Grief and Holidays

This time of year can be exceptionally difficult for people who have lost loved ones. Of course, that difficulty is not solely reserved for November & December. The depths of these feelings can resurface all year long prompted by birthdays, anniversaries, memories and more. For some reason, ringing in a new year seems to be one of the more difficult days for me surrounding the loss of my brother. It’s hard to celebrate starting a fresh page and moving forward knowing that certain aspects of my life and pieces of my heart remain in the past.

The stages of grief and loss vary pretty substantially. The first year feels as though it may be the most difficult, the second might actually be even harder because the shock value has worn off and reality sets in, in the third sadness lifts slightly and coping mechanisms set in, and the fourth is where I stand. This will be the fourth New Years without my brother to celebrate with and while it still might hurt like it was yesterday, I’ve learned some things that have helped along the way.

The most important thing to remember is that there is a place for both joy and sadness and to allow space for both. It is perfectly ok to feel happiness around these times, without guilt and sometimes even without thinking of the person you’ve lost. It is also perfectly ok to wallow. To be sad, to cry, to mourn, and to give into the pain. As humans, we have the capacity to feel all emotions and therefore have to let them all out rather than avoiding or harboring them inside which can manifest into a multitude of physical ailments.

Beyond that, I suggest doing something that connects you to your loved one. Something that keeps a memory alive, or celebrates their life. That can include watching a movie that you both loved, baking a cake in their honor or a dessert that you used to have every year on that day, listening to a special song, doing an activity you both enjoyed or all of the above. Setting aside intentional time dedicated to that person can not only make their memory feel closer to you but keep their spirit alive in the present moment. This year I watched Home Alone 2 and it brought me so much joy to recall certain parts of the film that my brother loved or that he shared with others and it also flooded me with the feeling of missing him deeply. So, I allowed myself to smile and absorb all that joy and also cry deeply and let my tears flow and after the film I felt really good and settled in my body. So I give that time and space to sink in as well.

I also listen to certain Christmas albums that remind me of our childhood and singing along to them while picking out our tree or driving over to our grandparents house. Some songs I dance around to and some songs bring tears to my eyes and, again, I allow energy to be given to both. There are also certain songs I skip entirely because of how deeply they will bring me down. And that is perfectly a-ok too. Knowing my emotional boundaries is a key element in my grieving process. That goes hand in hand with not pushing past the feelings on certain days or putting on a ‘brave face’ for everyone else. Allow yourself to feel, to connect, to be vulnerable. Whether it is your loved ones honor or simply to honor yourself- find what works for you and give yourself grace throughout these more difficult times.

And for tips on how to connect throughout the year, I’d recommend reading my post on Healing Through Grief and Trauma.

With so much love and blessing in this new year.

XX

Sam