Healing Through Grief & Trauma
4 years ago today I unexpectedly and abruptly lost my hero, my best friend, my big brother. It was shocking and on days like today it feels like I’ve operated entirely in shock over the course of this loss. There’s no good way to lose someone close to you, there’s no good chance to say goodbye, and there’s nothing that prepares you for the emotions that you’ll experience throughout the journey. Sadness, anger, emptiness, shock, and sometimes happiness too. There’s also no right way to grieve or to process the way your life has completely changed - it’s been a very difficult journey and what helped me the most was knowing and relating to other people who could somewhat understand what I was going through and were still themselves even after experiencing trauma. So, today I am pouring my heart out to anyone who might end up reading this post in hopes that some of what I’ve found to help through the healing can help you too.
There were two main things that I struggled with the most in the initial stages of this experience. First, I feared I would never feel true joy again, that I wouldn’t be able to still be the bubbly, happy, loving human I have always been. I was afraid I’d become a shell of myself and be defined by losing my brother. While this is something that will always be a part of me and something I carry, I get to choose what defines me, I get to choose who I want to be, and I get to choose how I embody his memory. I know that he would not want my life to become empty from losing him and rather be celebrated, honored, appreciated and that I do everything I can to carry him with me. So I chose that instead. I reflect on his life often, I think of him every day, and I do things that will keep him alive in my and other’s hearts and I allow myself to experience joy, to really feel happiness just as deeply as I feel the sadness and to not feel guilty when I do or tinged with a bittersweet feeling because he would not want that for me. I promise, truly, that you too will still feel joy and still be yourself once the initial pain in your heart begins to soften.
The second, was not having this HUGE presence a part of my life anymore. How could that be? How could I or anyone in my family function without that? It took some time to allow myself to accept that I wouldn’t have to completely. That while he isn’t physically with me, that his presence is still here and when I allow it to come through the connection is very much there and palpable. When I’m fully open to it, the signs he gives are plentiful so I, again, chose that instead of wondering ‘why’ and wishing life would’ve dealt me a different hand. Seeking to always find our connection and the reason behind why he was meant to leave this world at the exact moment that he did has kept me feeling connected to him. I use a handful of tools to connect on this day and others, noted below in case they might help you, too.
Write a letter
Every year on this day I write my brother a letter in a special notebook dedicated entirely to him. These letters/journal notes/random downloads I have go in here. The first year, I tore it up and scattered it over the ocean in hopes that he would receive it. In the years following, I write the latest year and go back and read the others. It’s cathartic and helps me process my emotions while also allowing me to communicate with him. I recap all I’ve experienced in the last year, request guidance, ask about what he’s seen, and pour out my thoughts and feelings. It’s how I start the day and allows for a strong release/way to connect for everything following. I personally only write a formal letter once a year but highly recommend at least that if not far more often, if that serves you.
Tarot cards
On this day and many others, I use this method for a quick way to connect and communicate. It is the best tool for receiving a message from your loved one and is always, freakishly spot on. This is my favorite deck, but any and all are great to use for this purpose. First, I’ll knock the deck to clear stale energy, then hold it close to my heart, closing my eyes and visualizing my brother. I ask what he wants to communicate with me today or what he wants me to know then I follow the process of selecting a card. Sometimes, if I’m looking for guidance on a specific topic I’ll ask a more detailed question and know that he’ll provide the right answer. It’s a beautiful way to channel and a very easy method if you don’t feel deeply connected to other spiritual tactics. Today, I pulled ‘Trust Your Path’ which based on the crux I’m currently at in my life is, as usual, wildly spot on.
Meditation
Not only is this super healing, but it’s an incredible way to tap into your loved ones energy and truly feel their messages. When you allow your mind to get quiet and settle, you’ll be amazed at what comes through. If this is newer to you, you can start with guided meditations that are available all over until you feel ready to try it on your own. Otherwise, I will put on meditative music (I just use Spotify’s playlists), sit up tall on my bed or somewhere comfortable, and allow my mind to settle. Sometimes I will visualize my brother and memories first before dropping in and sometimes I just go straight to calming my mind. Either way, ideas, thoughts, and messages that feel like they’ve come out of nowhere will start to pop up and these are your love notes from the universe and your brother/parent/sister/friend. Give it a try.
Journaling
Similar to the letter writing, I use the same special notebook for journaling. Instead of having a letter or message in mind, I set aside time to write down my thoughts. You can also use this method to ask your loved one a question and free-write until the answers and words don’t feel like yours anymore. Just like the meditation these words and feelings are the messages you’re meant to receive.
Bonding activities
A no brainer, but making it a point to still do all the activities or hobbies you shared can be very helpful and healing rather than avoiding them. My brother and I shared a deep love for music, it was something we really connected over. So, every year on this day I’ll pull together a playlist that reminds me of him and listen to it throughout the day. Then, in the evening I seek out some sort of live music I can see to really connect. I allow myself to experience all the feelings at the event and know that he is truly there with me. Whatever the activity it is or special moments you shared, continuing to do them can help your memories live on and know that they are still there with you creating new ones.
Nature
Nature is so unbelievably healing and connective. The world is a magical place and the ocean, sand, leaves, plants, trees that exist around us are magnificent if you allow yourself the time and space to appreciate them. If you can, take off your shoes and really connect to the earth, discharging any energy from your body into the earth beneath you. This practice is wildly grounding and truly shows us there is something bigger than we are. Knowing that helps to reflect on the physical life you may have lost and that there’s no way the spiritual existence isn’t with you. I typically combine the nature and meditative practices to really tap in and give myself the space to just listen.
Talking
It may sound simple but just keep talking. Don’t hold it in. Talk to them, talk about them, never stop talking. You can help their memory live on and keep them close to you, sharing in your current experiences by telling them about it. I talk in the car, in the shower, to my friends and family. It took some time to allow myself to do this but I felt so much better once I did. Just. Talk.
If you’ve happened upon this post and it’s helped you at all, I am grateful to be able to do so.
All my love,
Sam